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An Untitled Piece

An Untitled Piece

By Kelli Lair

            She fought back tears as she pulled it out of her special hiding place.  The metal glistened in the light as she sat turning it in her hands.  All the pain she has been feeling for weeks rushed over her as the tears fell faster to the floor.  This was all she knew; pain, torment, stress, and fear.  They never left her side no matter where she was.  There were ways to get away from it all, but she has done it so many times, when is it going to working?  This was all she knew.  She also knew it isn’t healthy or good, but it’s too much to handle this week.  As she though about getting away from it all she smiled for the first time since…the last time…

            The last time her friend found out and was scared to death.  She didn’t understand.  No one understands how the blade fixes her problems for a short while.  They know she did it last time.  They look at the scars and then slide away like she is a freak.

            This time she doesn’t care.  Everything is changing and they will forget about her after high school anyways, why would she care?  They are the ones making her life this way.  She doesn’t know that people really do care about and love her.  How would she?  She has blocked anyone from getting near her any more because she doesn’t want to get hurt again.  She runs when people try to get close.

            She pulled up her long sleeve and looked at the blade once more.  This is routine, it’s habit, there is nothing new.  She shuts her eyes and bites her lip to keep quiet.  The pain is what releases the pain she has been feeling.  Then she feels the blood run down her arm and hears a gasp.  Looking up she sees her sister watching her.  She gets up off her bed, walks over the to door, and shuts it all the while looking disgusted with the young girl.

            Little did she know her sister looked up to her for guidance and what she saw that day was the only way she had seen to deal with life and conflict.  Here sister had no idea that what she had seen was going to ruin her life.  All she knew she loved her older sister and whatever was good for her must be good enough.  Something, however, didn’t seem right.

            A few days later a knock came at the door.  She hid the knife under her pillow and called for the visitor to come into the room.  Her baby sister opened the door meekly and sat down next to her.  They sat in silence looking at their hands in their laps.  Her sister looked up at her knowingly and looked back at the long sleeves that were covering the scars.  She reached out and pulled up the sleeve to reveal them.  She looked in amazement at the sheer number of them and drew her finger across many.  Then she looked at her own long sleeves and pulled one up.  The girl looked and knew right then and there that she was loved and shouldn’t be doing this any more.  What was on the little girl’s arm?  Was there scars from her own cutting experience?  No…

            “I love you.  Please stop hurting yourself!  I look up to you, and I LOVE YOU. <3”

The Facts of Life Part XV

It's hard to believe, but over a quarter of my senior year is almost over. Only 194 calender days until graduation. We had a meeting today to decided our class announcements and get our heights figured out for cap and gowns. Things just seem to be going crazy around here. Speech season is starting, honor choirs, jazz band, vetran's band, musicals, pratices, performances, sporting events, senior expo, college classes, cleaning, facebook, myspace, twitter, college applications, scholorship auditions, college reps, friends' blogs, memories, trying to stay sane, Sheltered Reality shows, the ever dreaded homework and so much more. How do I find time to fit it all into my daily life? There are only 24 workable hours in a day. I wish there was more (like 32), but I also know that I have to sleep or I will have multiple people hunting me down. How do some people do it? I know I will look back later on in life and say I was insane, but it will also give me a sort of acomplished feeling; if it doesn't kill me...
All of this stuff messes with my schedule. Classes overlaping, late homework, running around like a chicken with my head cut off. There is much stress this year, but I brought it on myself, so I have to deal with it. My cousin and her family from California will not be here for Christmas, but they will be here tomorrow. I don't get to see them because I have not learned to say a simple two letter word. No. I said yes to playing at the Vetran's program so I can't visit my own cousin who I won't see now for around two years. And that is only if I'm not off at college when they make their next trip back to the midwest. Why is that simple little word so hard? "No." It is two letters, N-O, how hard can it really be? I can say it to a select few people, but when it really matters those two letters change into three; y-e-s. I really must take care of this, and soon! If I don't college will kill me. I am only taking two PSEO classes now and I am already swamped. What am I expecting when I am a full-time college student with a part-time job, trying to survive from day-to-day, study, and pass all my classes to eventaily get that piece of paper that says I survived it through 4-8 years of college?
I guess I better be wraping this up and getting on to my school work. While you are at it why don't you check out some of my friends' blogs. They will rock your socks off! I love them all and they are my true friends. I would never change them for anything in the world.

thomaslang19.wordpress.com
srdrummer101.wordpress.com
thelifeoftonia.blogspot.com
mmjmikaylablogs.blogspot.com

Have a great fall season!
Kelli J. Lair

Augustana Essay

Here is the essay I have been promising to some of you. I finally have it closed to finished. They called me tonight to remind me they were still missing it but every thing else looks amazing they said! ~Kelli J. Lair

I have done many things within the short eighteen years of my life. Some I have been extremely proud of and others not so much. All of my actions have changed me in one way or another, but I consider joining the faith based drumming group, Sheltered Reality, one of the best and most beneficial decisions in my life.
I decided to join the group the weekend before starting my junior year. I had seen the group perform many times and loved their message of success. They have six steps to success that they teach to their audiences and want each member to apply to their lives: take a chance, never give up, be willing to do whatever it takes, believe in yourself, be a friend, and believe in God.
I went to my first practice and fell in love with the drumming. Two days after that practice, I went to watch my site play at a show, but little did I know I would be playing! After the show was finished, I was able to talk with site members and start making friends. One of these friends was a girl named Amanda. We did not know that we would soon become like sisters and be inseparable, even after one of us moved over a thousand miles away.
The next weekend I started to travel to more shows with Amanda, and making friends across Minnesota and Iowa. I had found my niche in the world: performing with Sheltered Reality. Three months after I joined the group, Steve Schlosser, the executive director and founder and I were having a conversation. He brought up starting a practice site in Northwood, Iowa in order to reach more kids in northern Iowa. He decided that I had learned enough in my three months that he would place me in charge of the site!
It would be a challenge, but I was willing to take it on. We did not have a sound system, and most of the kids were really young, so it was my turn to learn how to teach with few resources. We had to use an iPod dock for music and chairs as drums for most of our kids. It was a learning experience teaching children fourth grade and younger how to play songs. It has taught me patience with young children and to break concepts down to an understandable level for elementary age kids.
Steve also thought it was time for me to take another step in my Sheltered Reality journey; it was time for me to start leading shows on my own. Every show that we do has someone lead the drumming and do most of the talking. I had been telling the story of the day or teaching the steps of success at shows, but I had never done anything like this. My first show on my own was scary, but the friends I've made were there to support me the entire time. It may not have been the best show Sheltered Reality has ever had, but it was a true learning experience.
In the fourteen months I have been in this group, I have gained many close new friends, met hundreds of new people from across the United States, led multiple practices in different states, and traveled almost 3,000 miles to perform in a total of fifty shows. Through all of it, I have gained new skills and made many contacts I can use the rest of my life. I feel joining Sheltered Reality was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I hope to continue participating in the group throughout college and possibly the rest of my life. I have learned to apply the steps to success to my own life and how to teach others do the same. My dream is to one day travel around the country with Sheltered Reality to spread our message. I hope to be a positive adult role model to kids just like Steve Schlosser has been to me.

My Memior, Birthday Party Disaster

Here is the memior that I wrote for my English 12 B class that I have been promising you guys.  Sorry it has taken me so long to get it up, but I can only work on it at school. ~Kelli

Birthday Party Disaster

            Today was supposed to be the best day of my life.  Today is my birthday, I am eight years old!  I got up and ran around my big blue bedroom getting excited for all my party guests to arrive.  Reaching up on my tiptoes to my highest potential I grabbed my blue summery dress.  I dressed in my best tea party outfit I could find. I had invited all my friends, or at least I thought I did.  Little did I know that today was going to turn out to be the worst birthday of my life.

            It was three o’clock and my party guests were arriving.  “Happy birthday Kelli!  I hope you like your present,” they all said as I greeted them at the front door.  We were all excited to head up to Albert Lea for the tea party adventure we had been imagining for weeks. A total of two vans full of two adults and eight excited seven and eight year olds.  We made it up to the Turtle Dove Tea House after what felt like ages.  Onlookers saw eight little girls bouncing out of the vans and running into the teahouse.  What must they have thought?

            We sat down around the biggest round table I have ever seen.  It seemed to expand across the entire room.  The owner of the teahouse was a family friend, and my mom’s boss.  She came out with enormous platters of triangle cut tea sandwiches, filled with meat and cheese, and teacups of juice for every single girl in attendance.  There was an abundance of food, but some how we managed to eat it all.

            After having a bite to eat it was time to make our special party hats.  My mom had seen the idea to make hats from a magazine, and we had been practicing all week.  Everyone took a gigantic piece of packing paper in their favorite color and had my mom or grandma help to form the hat.  After the hat had been formed, each girl had the chance to decorate it to her hearts content.  There were pink, purple, blue, and green hats decorated in ribbons, bows, and jewels.

            We ran out side showing off our new party outfits and decided to take a few pictures to take home with us.  We played outside for what seemed like only a minute and then it was time to go back inside for presents and cake.  My dad had made my cake, just like every other year. Hats, gloves, pearls, and teacups decorated the cream frosted cake.  That cake was the most delicious thing I had to eat all day.  Everyone was excited to see their present opened up.  Babies, jewelry, and dolls followed each other out of every box.  Smiles were all around.

            It was five o’clock and time to head back to Lake Mills so everyone could be returned home safely.  I sat in the very back of the van with Gretchen and Ashley.   In the middle seat of our van I heard whispering so I tried to listen carefully.  I heard the girls whispering, “Did you see her dress?  It is so ugly!  She is such a dork, I don’t like her.  I’m not actually her friend, I pretend, I swear!” but I couldn’t quite hear whom they were talking about.  As I listened even more carefully I heard “Kelli.” My name and then they laughed. 

They were making fun of me, on my birthday, while still at my party!  I was crushed.  I thought they were my friends, but I guess I was wrong.  They were not my friends; they just came so they could make fun of me. I got home and I marched straight up to my bedroom step by step, threw myself on my bed, and cried.  I was heartbroken.  “Why me?  Why do they have to pick on me, especially on my birthday?!?”  It was the end of the world to me.  I thought I had no friends.  I felt horrible and never wanted to see any of these girls again.  They were mean girls and I was afraid all they would do would be the same thing over and over again.  When school started that fall I stayed away from all of those girls because of what they did to me at my party.

Looking back I see this as the worst party of my life.  I learned a life lesson that day even though it was just a harsh reality.  I learned that not everyone is friendly in the world and they are not all going to be nice.  I learned that girls in my grade can me mean and nasty towards other people.  To this day I am a still not friend with some of the girls in my class that attended that party.  I have made amends with some of the girls, but not many.  Gretchen was there for me the next day and I learned she really was a friend.  Looking back I feel that this birthday party was a time for me to learn a very rough, but true, life lesson that I now appreciate.  I now am careful with who I hang out with and talk to.  All in all even though the party was a bust in my book, it was a great learning experience.

Hope you all liked it.  It isn't finished for me to turn it yet but it will be within the next to class periods.  Let me know what you think, or what you would give me as a grade.  Feel free to leave comments on any of my blogs because feedback, no matter what it is, is always good for a person to hear.  Also check out some of my friend's blogs:

thomaslang19.wordpress.com

srdummer101.wordpress.com

thelifeoftonia.blogspot.com

mmjmikaylablogs.blogspot.com

Part XIV

I'm not really sure if a life lesson will truely come out of this or not but here we go in atleast three parts.
First of all, who goes and breaks into a car (that is held together with duck tap) and steals a tomtom gps and leaves a $500 set of drums behind? Plus they left the driver's side door is open so I knew something was wrong as soon as I walked out of my house today. Arg I'm so mad! I'm screwed for my shows this week unless I take money out of my goal jar that has half of the money towards my goal to go buy a new one. I don't want to have to do it, but because I can't find the serial number the cops can't do anything about it so it looks like I'm going to have to. :'( Well I guess that can be a lesson. Make sure you know where all your serial numbers are even if you swore the box was with all the other boxes you have for electronics and stuff.
So I now have and addiction as well. Even though some people don't believe me this is a mixed good/bad addiction. Have you ever heard of Naked juice smootie??? Well, I was introduced to it by the people in my college classes. Someone has one every single day in there. It is insane. I tried it and am now addicted to it! In the week since I tried it I have had at leat 20. That is 20 bottles at $2.99 a bottle! As I type this there is a bottle of amazingness sitting, staring me in the face! Mighty Mango Maddness!! Plus a friend told me yesterday that they make naked juice chap stick...I must find some!Ahhh they do! Thanks for the tip:D Another friend thinks I need an intervention...I more than likely do! These things are addicting! I said it was a good/bad addiction for two reasons. Good-it's healthy (it's not smoking, or drinking, or anything like that) Bad-It's $2.99 a bottle (and obviously I buy a lot!) So I guess that is lesson number two, don't get addicted to things that cost a lot or you may need an intervention...
Finally on to the topic of my sister from another mister...(AmazingGrace) She is an amazing person and she doesn't think so. A friend of ours keeps telling her she is to modest and it is true! She has changed both of our lives and she is a very close friend, but won't take any credit for it. She says she is just another plain old person but she is not telling the truth! Her stroy has been shared with hundereds of people and I have those people coming up to me all the time asking if I'm her. I say no but we are basicly sisters and they tell me story after story about how her story has helped them. See you are amazing! Plus you have no idea how many people tell me they miss you! Granted I don't see why they don't tell you themselves other than the fact that I talk to you on a much regular basis...We all need to understand that we are here for a purpose and a reason. We must all be modest at times, but in others it's okay to let it soak in that we have the capibilities to do the most amazing things! Okay well I guess that it life lesson number three for the day. I didn't think any would come out of this at all! I should let you all rest, besides the fact that I'm running out of things to talk about...Sorry I left you for a minute the cops called me. But oh well, you should check out some of my friends blogs. They are all really neat people and we all have interesting minds to say the least!
thomaslang19.wordpress.com
Srdurmmer101.wordpress.com
thelifeoftonia.blogspot.com
mmjmikaylblogs.blogspot.com

Live, Laugh (as long as it's not hurting someone), and Love,
'till next time!

Kelli J. Lair

Part XIII

This was actualy ment to be part X or XI but I forgot but still feel like putting it up because it's my blog and I can...No harsh feelings please!

We all mess up. We know this from experience. Sadly when some people mess up they pull themselves down further and further. They get in over their heads and get lost no knowing what they do. They want to do things that they think will pull them through but all it does is hurt them and pulls them further in the slow and steady grave they have doug for themselves. It's hard to see the light when you are so hard on yourself and in such a deep hole. Friends, true friends, try to help you, but you won't let them because you think you know what's best for you. When truly all they are doing is trying to give you a ladder out of the hole, and you think you can pick az your way out of your problems. It's not the way to live.

I'm sorry. I seem to have failed you. I was scared and didn't handle my problems in theright way. I see that now. I'm embaressed for the way I acted and I most deffinetly regret some, no most, of my actions. I let things get to me that normally wouldn't bug me. I stretched myself further than I ever really should.

I ask your forgiveness. I know you would never not support me. And the same goes for me twoards you. We've made the same mistakes just in different times in our lives. One of us has made the same mistakes twice. Mistakes are going to be made, because we are human, there is no getting around that. That is what forgiveness and second (or third, or twenty-third) chances are for. We all need to run it back and start over. For starters by forgiving yourself and giguring out a better way to fix your problems. I am charging myself with this one, and now need to apply it to my own life and not blow it off.


Check out some of my frinds blogs they are all written by special and unique people.
mmjmikaylablogs.blogspot.com
thelifeoftonia.blogspot.com
thomaslang19.wordpress.com

Feel free to comment or text me or any of these other bloggers. They are all great people, and (mostly) are good listeners. :)

Part XII

Isn't it funny how a friend can write something on their blog not knowing what is going on with you and it hits you hard in that situation? Or how three friends can be connected by more than just friendship but also background stories? Or how randomly you all three go to the same people for advise without knowing it?

These strange things have been happening to me many time in the past three weeks...It's been hard but I have learned that certian things that happen can only make you stronger, unless you do something stupid(like i WANTED to do) that will hurt you. I also learned that if I ever hurt myself by doing one of these stupid things a certian guy will (I believe his exact words were: ) 'I will punch you in the face than kill you if you kill/hurt (I don't remember which) yourself.'

I've also learned that it is okay to let it all out and cry. That can help you more than you can imagine. Other people are going through hard things at the same time and you can all help each other. Your friends, if the really are your friends, should be there for you through thick and thin. More than likely they will be crying right along side you.

Physical things won't usually get you through the tough stuff in the long run. In the short run, maybe for a couple minutes, but truly they may ruin your life in the long run. I'm preaching to myself here. I have done things I am most deffenitly not proud of and knew I shouldn't have done. I still face these problems because they are exactly that, problems. I have put myself into a situation and now I must finish off what I got into. I know I have a support group behind me 150% and I was reminded of that over the weekend.

We must all find our nich in life and know how many people truly look up to us. That's another thing I was reminded of while talking to the one who treatened punches and death. He had to tell me yet again that I was put on this Earth for something special and he thinks he knows what it is. He also told me that I was put on this Earth to support another guy we both know. That guy and I are close, but not to close and he believes that there is a purpose for that. He has been behind me since we became friends and same for me to him. We are a lot a like with very small differences and that is what he (the one who threatens) believes I'm here to do, to help my friend in ways that he can't help himself.

Also my sister, a shout out to you my dear. I miss you so much. You have been my support system even thousands of miles away. I will see you shortly, I don't know when, but shortly. I love you!

Check out some of my frinds blogs they are all written by special and unique people.

(These two are new to blogging)
MiKayla's: mmjmikaylablogs.blogspot.com
Tonia's: thelifeoftonia.blogspot.com

(He is a pro/writing a book!)
Alex's: thomaslang19.wordpress.com

Feel free to leave comments, or text me, or email/facebook/myspace me. You are all special!

Kelli Jo

Part XI

Why is it that it is easy to talk to aperson in one form about a topic but not in another form? I'm talking completly technicologicaly here. Why can I text my closest friend about a difficult subject, but I can't bring myself to click send in an email to her about the same thing? Does that make me pathetic? I can't send an email to two people, and yet I can have a complete conversation on myspace mail with someone else about it. I don't consider myself a coward, I just don't know whats stopping me. They are not going to judge me for messing up, and I know this. I've been told that hundreds of times! Am I making life more difficult not on for me, but for her as well? She knows whats going on but not fully. They know my story, at times I think they know me better than I do.

I cried in church today, I'm not one to cry all that often. It's because of this, I'm torn and don't exactly know what to do with myself anymore. Life is changing and there is no doubt about that. Senior year is just around the corner. Uncertianties are alwyas there, but I normaly overcome them.I have put it off way to long! I should have pressed send a week and a half ago. Why didn't I????

That seems to always be the question...

Why?

Part X

Go Ministries was here for a special youth group, and it was amazing! Tarence gave a message about the three levels of passion; love, hate, and indiffernece, and sadly I found that I was indifferent. The word says "I know your works; you are neitherer cold nor hot. Would that you either cold or hot! So because you are lukewarm, and neithere hot nor cold, I will spit (spew) you out of my mouth" Revelation 3:15-16. I realized that is not what I want with my life so I took steps to make a change. I made a promise to myself, Go, Megan, and God that I would change. It will be difficult for the devil is after me to steal, kill, and destroy, but I can't let that happen! Never again will I bring myself down! I must push myself to be in the word and reflect on my life to give all the glory to God. Never have I ever thought I would see the day when so many changes in my life would take place. Everywhere I turn are new opportunities and challenges for me to face. I wanted to please everybody. I now realize that is impossible and all I have been doing is wearing myself out. I busy myself. AIt's not healthy thats treu, but I don't know anything else. It's like what we talked about in psychology, set iin our ways. If you only know one way to get from point A to point B you take it even if it is the stupidest, most out of the way route, because that is all you know. Until, that is, someone points out a new, improved rout to you. I'm now being showen I am not in control of my life, but it is God. I am to be used as a light to spread the Good News, not to do my own thing. I fealt things to night that I have never felt, a new chapter in my life is beginning, and it will be good. As long as I stay focoused on what God wants for me and this life that he has so graciously given me. I must praise and give thanks with my whole heart! I must surrender all. I am growing and most diffinetly changin in my faith. On this journey I will need support and friends to keep me on track. Never let me fall, nver let me falter. I have spent so much time being the one to listen and try to fix other's problems that I have never learned to open up to other people on my own yet. I can't expect you to help me if I can't open myself up to you. It's just not fair. I have forever felt like a bruned to others and never thought it was possible for me to change another person's life. I have forever waited those words, to come from someone's mouth, but I now realized I have been loved. "Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, wo for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God" Hebrews 12:2. Jesus took my sin and carried it with Joy. He LOVED me so much he died FOR ME. That is what I call true love! That is a love our flesh can never give. Galations 5 talks about the works of the blesh being evident (16-26). These include idolatry, jealousy, and envy; all which I shall be convicted of. God does not allow us to do these things when we live in the spirit. I ALLOW these things when I turn from God and decide to live in the flesh insted of under the protective unbrella of God. As Pastor Doung said, "when we sew to the flesh we reap corruption, like road kill and death. I don't want that in my life, I long for the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness, and self-control (Galations 5:22-23). There is no law against the fruit of the Spirit, and for this we should rejoice. To gain these fruits we must crucify our flesh of its passions and desires (Galations 5:24) which can be a hard decision for some and others can decide withing a blink of an eye. The indifference stage of passion which I was in made that decision to be pushed to the back of my mind, never to be thought of. Thish new stage of love forces me to decide here and now to, in the words of Casing Crowns, "set me free and take it all away." I give it all to God, he knew me before I was formed. WE HAVE A RACE TO RUN, A FIGHT TO BE FOUGHT, AND A KINGDOM TO BUILD, all in God's honor and glory. "Moreover, look for able men from all people, men who fear God, who are trustworty and hate a bribe, and place such men over the people as cheifs..." (Exodus 18:21). He is looking for peopl to fight the battle, for a generation who shall not be silenced! Galations 5:16 (ESV) says, "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." We must all walk in faith and in the light, because I don't want to walk in the balley of the shadow of death. We must praise and dance as if there is no tomorrow. We don't know when the end is comming, but it is soon. We mush make vessels for God's work to be compleated. Take it to heart, you are influencing people if you know it or not. I've learned the hard way, so I BEG you, learn from my mistakes. You are loved, never forget that. There is a purpose and a plan for you life. It's up to you to figure out how God will use you in the great scheme of the world and in this battle for greatness, and the everlasting life of those people you may never meet.

Part IX

The memories dance and linger about in my mind. All the fun times we have created and continue to create before we all go our seperate ways. I've been thinking, a lot, lately about my dreams and goals for my life. Thoughts and dreams, interupted by texts. What does my future hold? What is it that I want to do with my life? Is that part of God's plan for me? How do I know? I know my dreams and ambitions. Music runs through my veins. Does this include travel or the other things I love? Does he want to do that forever> If asked, I would step up in a heart beat! I would love to do the things he does, expierence the places he has been, but at what expense? These goals and dreams, they are not wild and crazy like some had hoped, but they are mine and as long as I live out the steps to success I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. All you have to do is ask and I would spill in a hear beat! I am connected in ways I never thought possible. My plans? Graduate high school, go to college (U of M, Augustana, or St. Olaf), study music therapy, continue with Sheltered Reality, and someday, just maybe, someday have a family of my own. There they are, writter for all to see. I don't know where God will lead me, that is for him to know and me to find out. Things happen, we don't always know why, they just do. You believe in me, sometimes more than I do. I thank you. You encourage and support as if we were siblings. Thanks! The teim runs short for me to say everything that needs to be said, but somehow, some way, it will be done. Keep reminding me: take a chance NEVER five up, be WILLING to do WHATEVER IT TAKES, BELIEVE IN MYSELF, be a friend, but most importantly NEVER let me lose sight of God. Keep me steadfast in his ways and always believing in/following him!

Part VIII

I just want to cry! Spanish is breaking me, my schedule is breaking me. I don't understand. Senora is pissed, every thing is going wrong. Hear my cires, hear my prayers and pleas. Words were said and can't be taken back, I understand that. I can't take it any more. I don't know what to do or where to turn today. I need a break. Two days, I want to survive, I really do, but this stress, it's antaganizing me like no other. Those thatare leaving are getting angry. I used to enjoy their classes, but not any more. They are making me sink lower. It's not right, nothing seems like the right choice any more. I wasnt to crawl into my corner, curl up in a ball, burry myself, and cry myself and my problems away. I want to be strong for all of you, but I don't know if I can. I feel segragated from my true life. I feel like I have an alternate personality. I need time to think and figure all this crap out. I'm falling, falling hard for you. Give me a sing please! And you missy! I'm sick of you. Thank the Lord we are almost to the end. I never want to see you again! I don't know how you do it or even why, but you get under my skin. I'm done, I'm through with you. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. I'm done, i'm through; I don't want to hear any more out of you!

Part VII

English today provided me with a very eye opeaning expirence and though provoking 55 minutes. We have just finished reading the book fahrenheit 451. Our assignment was to bring in an object that we "have touched." Now this just wasnt something that you have held in your hand, you actualy had to think about it; something that you have left an impression on or that you want to be remembered for. Now this is easier than it sounds. When I really thought about it there were MANY choices. When I started thinking about it there is so much that I have done. Being a leader in Girl Scouts in my community, 30-40 girls look up to me. Being a camp counselor last summer 800-900 girls. Iowa FCCLA State Officer: nearly 3,000 members, hunderds of state officers from around the country, and 7 very close SEC members. Sheltered Reality Top of Iowa site kids, I'm so proud of all they have accomplished! These are just organizations. This isn't counting my school, my community, my church, or even my own friends. Think about it. What is something that you want to be remembered for? Is there someone who you have changed their lives? I hope so. What object would you bring in if you had this assignment?Now this assignment was two-fold. We also had to write about a mentour or very influencial person in our lives. There were so many people to choose from! I couldn't choose just one so I wrote about two. There have been so many people who have changed me. Wether through Girl Scouts, FCCLA, Sheltered Reality, Golf, Volleyball, school, speech, church, youth group, ect. Who has shaped your life? How? When? Why? Do you know? It is most definatly a very thought provoking question to answer. Chew on this for a while. A worksheet today said T.V. is like chewing gum for today's youth...but let this be your chewing gum today.

Part VI

The time is near. Why must I carry you on my back? Am I that much stronger than you or are you truly being that weak? It seems like we are doing back flips to get it all done. Is this the real life, or is this fantasy? I don't know anymore. I have to keep my eyes on the prize. Not that silly little thing you say is the prize, but God and his plan for my life. I may not know it all but I trust in him and that is the only way to go. Every time we turn around there is something new, so what? We overcome the challenges together. If our paths someday separate I understand. My question is, will you? I have an idea of what might happen but who knows this could just be a green screen with smoke and mirrors. Maybe it is better if we do split, I don't know you anymore. Why should we try to pretend to be friends when I know what you truly feel on the inside? I feel you staring me down with hatred every single day in two classes! You want me to die. I know it; you don't have to hide it. I hear you talking to him every day. You think I can't hear you, but you are oh so wrong! I hear you laugh out loud against me with her too. It isn't that hard to see what you are trying to do. There is pain and suffering around the world, why must you try to add to it every single day in little old Iowa? I have my defense. I have friends who love me for who I am, I have Sheltered Reality, but most of all I have God. He is my father and I know that he is always with me to protect me. I don't know about you, but I hope you have a relationship with him to. You might hate me enough to want me to die, but I care about you enough to hope you live, eternally.

Part V

Yes, it's true. I feel at home with you. I have found my place to belong, and I love it. y'all are there for me no matter what. She doesn't know what she is doing, I know she'll come around. Every time I see this hurt I think about this life, this friendship, the bond, that makes us a sort of family. I thank you for the support, even though we didn't meet all that long ago. This life that I have lived hasn't killed me, it's only made me stronger. Y'all know the story, it's public domain. They remind me every once in a while with the ridicule and mocking, but I remember you're here for me. You want me to succed in my life. I promise, I will do my best. On one condition, you must promise me you will do the same in your life. Life goes on no matter what happens. I sit in aw and wonder at how much I have grown in the past year, and you have been a part of that. I thank you for that. <3<3<3

If This Is Our Future...I'm RUNNING in the Opposite Direction!

This is it? This is all the world has to offer us? Broken baby heads and pinata humans? I'm gonna run...I want more!!!!! I don't want the blues and the financial burden of our government placed on me. I want freedom. Our days our numbered this is true. The time is getting close! We smell it in the air. But...are we prepared? Is this all they will give us to go out in the real world?I pray to God that this is not so. We could be doing better. We could actualy, GASP, pay attention and try to grab everything we can while we are still here, still together. I don't get all crazy like him. We never were the best of friends. I can learn from you, and you can for sure learn from me. Our parents do know what is best, even if we don't think it is ture. They have had expierences we can't even dream of! WE ARE THE FUTURE OF THE NATION! We should take this with pride and run with it. Just, only, in the right way. Because, if this is our future i'm running in the other direction!

Part IV

Your hatred toward me grows stronger everyday or so it seems. You back away, like I have a disease, towards a person you hate more than me. Guess what, we only have to bear with each other for 227 days more of school! Then we can be out of each other’s lives forever! How about that? Sound good? With my luck and your skills we won’t ever have to talk to each other again. Your dreams and desires. We will graduate and go off to separate schools, you’ll get your guy, your job, the money, your life, and I…I will become dirt, like you already say I am. Well guess what, I have found my place to belong and fit in! You can’t take that away from me. Ever! I laugh in the face of your plan to knock me down again every single day. With this support I am able to stand up to you and your mocking with dignity and throw it off to the side. I am free! I will always be able to hold on and be strong!

Part III

You have poisoned America’s youth! You’re supposed to be a role model and look what you have been! You have showed those youth that it is ok to pick on people and make them feel like dirt. They look up to you and want to be like you. Guess what! This is changing our world for the worse! I want to reverse your doing and make the school halls safe for everyone. What happened between us? Are you that starved for popularity that you have to go that low as to dig a grave for me? That is wrong and you know it! Some day I will be gone and you will regret what you did. I can smell it. We all live our own lives, I understand. But even if we have split apart, this must stop!

Part II

I'm sick of this! The laughing, teasing, and the bitchyness. I want out. I want to break free. Your just having fun, or so you say, but it cuts, it cuts deep. People ask why I want to transfer schools. Jez, I wonder why! My friends turn againt me, my enimies grow more hatred. Some don't try but you know you're making an impact. Like a sonic boom with a mushroom cloud. I hate this! My life is changing for you and me. We grow apart and find new intrests. Obviously this school and I are growing apart. Senior year next year and I want out. I don't know if I can take another year of this crap! My world is turning upside down, I want out and I want out now! I can't take it any more. It makes me want to explode! You're the jocks, the preps, the cool people. You make fun of me for my looks, my height, and my religion. Guess what I'm not okay with that! It's going to change. I will make the world change wether you help or not!

Part I

I'm sick of this! The laughing, teasing, and the bitchyness. I want out. I want to break free. Your just having fun, or so you say, but it cuts, it cuts deep. People ask why I want to transfer schools. Jez, I wonder why! My friends turn againt me, my enimies grow more hatred. Some don't try but you know you're making an impact. Like a sonic boom with a mushroom cloud. I hate this! My life is changing for you and me. We grow apart and find new intrests. Obviously this school and I are growing apart. Senior year next year and I want out. I don't know if I can take another year of this crap! My world is turning upside down, I want out and I want out now! I can't take it any more. It makes me want to explode! You're the jocks, the preps, the cool people. You make fun of me for my looks, my height, and my religion. Guess what I'm not okay with that! It's going to change. I will make the world change wether you help or not!